It is 3rd of June 2023 and my father Prof Waheed uz Zaman Deva left this immortal world three years back. These 3 years have been quite a difficult period as life is throwing challenges on all counts but his teachings have proved a beacon light for all of us. He was a pillar in our emotional well-being. We have looked at him to lay down the rules and enforce them. That is what a father is expected to be, apart from providing a feeling of security, both physical and emotional.
Although scholar and intellectual person like him is missed by all of us as equally by his students, friends, colleagues and above all our neighbours. Almost all our neighbours were Kashmiri Pandits. They included eminent lawyer like Pyare Lal Handoo, Master Sham Lal, Dr Bhusan Lal, Adv Prem Nath and a host of others. Eminent thinkers and poets like Prof G M Shad, Prof Shurida Kashmiri, Economist Prof Punoo, English Literature expert Prof Tickoo and others were regular visitors to our home. They used to have a very intellectual discussions which I was often made to sit and listen to these discussions from a very young age.
Intellectual discussions with continuous and affectionate parenting had played an important role in our upbringing. I was made to read Editorial page of Times Of India and listen to 9 o cock English News Bulletin every day right from my teenage years when there is little understanding of the world happenings. This was not a happy work for me but for my father I could not dare to say no. He made me to read Das Capital which was a task in itself. I was not able to understand it then but my father inculcated a habit of reading and understanding in all of us.
A well known Economics Professor used to come to our home and Dad would tell me to understand the economics, demand and supply, inflation deflation etc which were alien terms to our all science household and to many of my school mates.
His dictum of attainment of knowledge was ILM BAR MANN. A visionary par excellence, he sacrificed his ambitions to bring up his daughters. His contribution to the society in the form of spread of education (for all and girl education in particular) and knowledge to far and wide which is impacting this era in the form of his daughters is an achievement in itself. Alhamdulillah.
Once I remember I was mixing rice with soup with my hands in my dinner plate and my father scolded me for doing so. After that, I understood the correct way of eating with my hand. While taking tea, he used to dissolve sugar with his fingers only without moving his hand. Such was the sophistication and mannerism of a person who has influenced our lives completely. While these may seem like mundane incidents, a father’s active, authoritative role in shaping his child mannerisms and character determines the kind of adult the child will grow up to be.
My father was also always keeping a very close eye on all our activities during our growing years. The acquaintances and the circle of known people was very limited which Alhamdulillah helped in the righteousness. When it comes to parenting it can sometimes feel like fathers are second best, incompetent, emotionally disconnected who are not nearly as important to their children as their mothers. As a result, Fathers are often pressured to take a backseat when it comes to being involved with raising their kids and can face ridicule for things like admitting that they help change diapers or expressing an interest in taking paternity leave. In reality, although a mother’s love is important and special, having an active father figure plays an equally important role in the healthy development of a child.
But it is also a natural phenomenon that children want to make their fathers proud, and an involved father promotes inner growth and strength. I have observed that that my father was very affectionate and supportive; it has greatly affected our cognitive and social development. It also instills an overall sense of well-being and self confidence.
He has never digressed from giving us religious insight. Our Walidah (Allahu Magfirlaha) taught all of us Holy Quran. He wanted no male to come to our house to teach us Quran. Such was the clear cut distinction of sexes with him which helped us in our self confidence. This resulted in our focus on education and knowledge than to divert our attention on other frivolous things which we see prevalent in our society these days. The drug addiction percentage of our youth is shocking. This menace has taken toll of our young talent and has brought many incurable diseases with it. Many young people are diseased to the extent of incurability and this has ruined our entire social fabric. Sons killing their mothers for money and drugs is an act of Shaitan. This is thought provoking. Daughters are being killed by fathers is almost reminiscent of pre Islamic Arab custom. Human trafficking and prostitution houses are common news now. Mental depression of young people, anxiety and mental agony is a common phenomenon.
Father’s carefree approach affects one’s ability to have a good relationship with anybody. But unfortunately we don’t see the connection between these and what happened in childhood take almost everybody along with him or her throughout the life. This will lead to unconsciously passing our traumas down to our children. Nobody understands his behavioural issues later in life as there might be a hole that has never been filled.
Why all this.
I trace it to the role of father in a household which is described as a unit. Father is described as an umbrella for the family and a bread winner. Great fear and anxiety can stem from the trauma of an absent father and sometimes the father wound can become a generational issue. It can also affect everything in our lives perhaps most importantly; our intimate relationships also. The father wound is the psychological, relational, and physical dysfunction that occurs in people who grew up with a father who was emotionally or physically absent.
However, Father’s role remains same as it was centuries ago. Educated women can contribute in the better care of children and upbringing. But initiative for a good society comes from father. This is a close knit family unit in our parlance. For a better societal structure, fathers need to give respect to their wives and make children understand the role of mother and wife as was done by my father. In most of our rural areas even today children are unaware about the name of their mother mutilating the very identity of the most important woman in a household.
Fathers not only influence what we are inside, but how we develop relationships with people as we grow. The way a father treats his child will influence what he or she looks for in other people. In future life, friends will all be chosen based on how the child perceived the meaning of the relationship with his or her father. The patterns a father sets in the relationships with his children will dictate how his children relate with other people. Young girls depend on their fathers for security and emotional support. Boys model themselves after their father’s character. Boys will seek approval from their fathers from a very young age. If a father is caring and treats people with respect, the young boy will grow up much the same. When a father is absent, young boys look to other male figures to set the rules for how to behave and survive in the world.
A father has to be proactive and ask questions about every action of a child. A child gets a new mobile home and the parents remain quiet and even if they ask the child says I have bought it from my friend and the story goes on and on. This way we expose our children to the risks and tribulations of getting into friendship with strangers who often exploit the young mind.
We have given freedom to our children by giving mobile phones, laptops, Ipads, internet facility, separate rooms with attached bathrooms. But we remain unaware what the young teenage child is doing all alone in the room. We feel our responsibility is over as we are engaged in our own day to day activities and does not know what is happening to the psychological capacity of the child while growing. When the parents lose contact with the child during their puberty, the children take refuge in drugs, in a friend, internet, porn etc. My father remained part of us through our lives and we have not hidden any anything from our parents. This is because they have created that safe environment for all of us.
My father has helped us in increasing our emotional intelligence which paves way for capacity for curiosity and exploration. He has given us love and respect which helps in self esteem and instills confidence in a child during parenting. He has provided us with a positive male role model help to promote good behaviors. As a result, children with more involved fathers tend to have fewer behavioral and impulse control problems, longer attention spans and a higher level of sociability. These children also tend to be more compassionate and generous, with an increased awareness of the needs and rights of others. Fathers provide a positive male role model for their children and active parents with different approaches to parenting can be a great way to expose children to a broad range of thinking and problem-solving. At the time of asking questions during our formative years Prof Deva was sharing his perspective which has taught us thinking and problem solving ways.
Today he is not with us physically but his presence is felt whenever we take up any work . Allah magfirat karey and jannatul firdouas mai jagah dey. Aameen.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are the personal opinions of the author. The facts, analysis, assumptions and perspective appearing in the article do not reflect the views of GK.